It was just a normal conversation with my colleague last week, during a short coffee break at the office kitchen. He is a student like me and he started at the company just one week after I arrived there. We were talking of everyday things... school, plans, work and the world around us, when I - I don't know why - told him:

I: "I suppose I am a lot younger than you, am I not?"
He: "I wouldn't be very sure of that..."
I: "Well, how old are you?"
He: "I am 25. (or 26? I can't remember correctly what he said, but it isn't that important)
I: "As for me, I am 19"
He: "Well, yes, then you really are..."

Isn't it funny? I can't tell I am not used to these kind of reactions. Because he was really surprised, as everybody, whom I tell my exact age. Such reactions are something I can't really describe - they are always like a mixture of surprise, curiosity and disbelief. And also a bit of the "oh, you are so young yet" message that made me suffer for so many long years...

...just because I was two years younger than most of my schoolmates at high school. Right at the time when your age, your looks, your affiliation to fashion (and such things) and your position amongst your classmates are equally important to determine your popularity. And the single fact you were younger, well, it meant that you were also someone childish, uncool, and after all, a very incompetent person. No, I wasn't tortured... but these adjectives mentioned above resulted in such widespread judgements that I was weak, timid and unworthy of even such everyday things as joining my classmates to cinema or a party. Soon I started to strengthen my shield (that I have already built, as in higher primary school I was "officially" excommunicated...) and created my own world, where fantasy, God and some kind of purpose equally got their roles, and although I still talked to some of my classmates, pranked the teachers and cheated at tests together with them, my thoughts were somewhere else. Somehow I managed to find community and meaning to my life beyond school, but this bitter loneliness, this really accompanied my teenage years.

When I look back now, sometimes I feel that all those years filled with suffering, feeling of loneliness and alienation are gone and now I can finally be creative, be proactive, be proud of myself. And last but not least, I can be myself. Since I started college, I have found friends - although not yet a soulmate - at my school, whom I can give my love to and receive love from. I am getting my wings, sometimes with an incredible speed. Some people say I have no fear and sense of danger and maybe they are right. But sometimes - and I am really not proud of it - I feel myself being the youngest girl in high school class again. This year, just before summer, I met some of my old classmates when we were visiting one of the teachers together. Although with some of them (the loud and popular crew), I still didn't (and couldn't) talk, I felt that a smaller part, who obviously became more mature - just like I did - finally accepted me... Even if I still wouldn't call them friends, this act gave me faith, and maybe one day when I'll return to a class meeting, I can fully be the person I probably am somewhere deep inside and who I want to become... when I really take those wings and start to fly.

A little bit more than one month has passed since I returned home from Lithuania. Since then, the season changed, and although the weather is still hot, soon I will have to prepare myself for a change as well, like if every autumn was is the beginning of something new. This means that I'll have to turn retrospective these days, looking back to memories I had in the latest period in my life. This obviously includes this journey, the story of what I left unfinished.
I don't deny the fact as I was uncertain to write about my meeting with Igor, because I was afraid of what reactions I get. But now I am certain that I was wrong. Still, I only want to tell that I've never met anyone before when I would feel that I knew this person for ages... And that we don't have to adapt to this crazy world to be accepted by someone as we are. We met in Šiauliai, and visited the Hill of Crosses - you can search for pictures of it, read the relevant wikipedia article and after, forget about it - none can really describe the amazing spirituality of this place. And right the same day, I got to the Baltic Sea, saw one of the most dramatic sunsets I have seen in my life, and when the night fell, I saw young people having fun everywhere in that town. I spent a night having a long, refreshing sleep in a tiny, little, romantic apartment in a small house - it reminded me of my childhood days in our old house in Balatonföldvár...
I love Palanga.
Next day, my hosts (Audronė and her family) brought me to the beach again, where I could finally bathe in the sea or just sit in the sand and watch people. I am still speechless of the wonderful hospitality I got from my hosts, they made me feel the magic over and over again. I went to church with them in the morning, had some white cheese, dark bread, lašiniai (no comment for this one) and many other things like that during the day, and shared stories, feelings, lives.
Unfortunately this was the last day with nice weather during my stay, so the next day (after meeting my next hosts, Aurimas and Renata, seeing another sunset and spending the night in Klaipėda) I departed to Nida and Curonian Spit in continuous rain. I don't have to mention that I got totally wet, and although the rain stopped until I arrived there, the sky was covered with thick gray clouds during almost the whole day. But thanks to the weather, I could see the amazing beauty of the nature without any annoying tourist groups in sight, and as I was alone, nobody disturbed me when I sat on my raincoat between teo dunes and stared in the endless, thinking and feeling :)
Liepāja in Latvia, on the next day was also beautiful. :) It was a shock for me though that I almost froze (I left my pullover at home), I (almost) got lost, I was almost tricked in one shop (although not deliberately, I think), and I didn't have enough time to visit Karosta and the once-was Soviet military base. But I loved Liepāja coast and, especially, the lake. I really want to return to Latvia one day to discover other towns and hidden beauties...
And I am afraid I am only repeating myself when I am talking about my train journey from Klaipėda to Vilnius, my feelings towards this bohème city, the small, lovely streets and the living, new cityscape with high-rises, the view of the Neris and the hills around Vilnius. Somehow I loved the feeling of the city, it has something that I miss from Budapest, maybe it would be some witty craziness and playfulness, I don't know... I spent a lovely time with Edita, Laurynas (the Wise... ;)), another friend of Edita whose name I can't remember :(, Lina (I was with her when saw night Vilnius from above, with Švyturys and Badacsonyi Merlot... where are you, Lina, I really waited for you to come to Hungary this August... :(), Miglė and Jovita. I saw some of the dramatically beautiful lakes of Aukštaitija National Park and before I finally had to leave Vilnius, I could wander around the old town, saying farewell to this country that brought me so many wonderful memories and experiences. I can recall the feeling when I was about to go to the train station in the evening, it was almost dark and raining, the lamps of cars painting such a strange ensemble of lights on the pavement. And I cried. (Yes, this is a thing that I don't want to hide, but anyway, I cry really very often, so... ;))
But I felt home already when I arrived back to Poland. If Poland was a person, I am sure I would love it as a parent, or a very dear family member... And wherever I go, I can only feel that Poles and Hungarians are really friends... Amazing. ;) I was so lucky to get to know Białystok and Warsaw  being with you, Ewa, Wojtech (or Wojciech?), Małgorzata and Scott :)

So... that was it. That was it? No. But at least you get the brief story now, and let's hope it isn't unfinished yet. By the way... right now I am trying to convince my best friend, to go somewhere nice for a weekend in September... like Croatia, it's not so far away ;) but she resists :( Ah, how I wish she was at least a little bit like me.