Hát ez is eljött. Utolsó nap a munkahelyen... Nem maradhattam tovább, vizsgák, miegymás. Sötét konyha, távozás előtt egy pár perccel. Már csak a litván feliratos, munkahelyen használt reklámbögréim elmosogatása maradt az egyetlen feladatom. Belátom, nem megy nagyon a búcsúzkodás. De az egyik munkatársam utolsó szavaira, hogy biztosan lesz jövőm, mert olyan törtető vagyok, szerintem még sokáig emlékezni fogok. Amit válaszoltam, őszintén mondtam, nem felvágásból, inkább a kihívás vállalásának reményében... azt mondtam, hogy ha majd egyszer, úgy tíz év múlva, azt hallják valahol, hogy kineveztek a nem tudom minek az élére, akkor emlékezzenek rám. Hogy itt kezdtem.

Adja Isten, hogy valóban úgy is legyen.

I love such days.

I love when I am crossing the mighty Danube when it's snowing. It's like being in the middle of a snow cloud, seeing nothing but the white eternity. And after getting off that bridge, seeing the city all dressed in white... it's something magical and very lyrical to me.

And despite (or rather because of) the falling snow I walked on in our neighbourhood while it was almost dark, with music in my ears, and even though my hair, my face and my hands were getting wet of the melted snow, I felt a free, light and somewhat pure feeling in my soul.

Yes, I believe these moments are those that really belong to me.

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has... come.

It seems that finally, something positive is starting to happen here. I'm afraid have been messing things up in the past few weeks... I had to make several hard decisions, and I also had a few conflicts with people important to me. And I was longing for some things that would make my life a little bit more interesting.
But now things are becoming more and more clear. I am having new plans ;)

And last night has taught me something important as well. "Parish parties" are still great. :D

It was just a normal conversation with my colleague last week, during a short coffee break at the office kitchen. He is a student like me and he started at the company just one week after I arrived there. We were talking of everyday things... school, plans, work and the world around us, when I - I don't know why - told him:

I: "I suppose I am a lot younger than you, am I not?"
He: "I wouldn't be very sure of that..."
I: "Well, how old are you?"
He: "I am 25. (or 26? I can't remember correctly what he said, but it isn't that important)
I: "As for me, I am 19"
He: "Well, yes, then you really are..."

Isn't it funny? I can't tell I am not used to these kind of reactions. Because he was really surprised, as everybody, whom I tell my exact age. Such reactions are something I can't really describe - they are always like a mixture of surprise, curiosity and disbelief. And also a bit of the "oh, you are so young yet" message that made me suffer for so many long years...

...just because I was two years younger than most of my schoolmates at high school. Right at the time when your age, your looks, your affiliation to fashion (and such things) and your position amongst your classmates are equally important to determine your popularity. And the single fact you were younger, well, it meant that you were also someone childish, uncool, and after all, a very incompetent person. No, I wasn't tortured... but these adjectives mentioned above resulted in such widespread judgements that I was weak, timid and unworthy of even such everyday things as joining my classmates to cinema or a party. Soon I started to strengthen my shield (that I have already built, as in higher primary school I was "officially" excommunicated...) and created my own world, where fantasy, God and some kind of purpose equally got their roles, and although I still talked to some of my classmates, pranked the teachers and cheated at tests together with them, my thoughts were somewhere else. Somehow I managed to find community and meaning to my life beyond school, but this bitter loneliness, this really accompanied my teenage years.

When I look back now, sometimes I feel that all those years filled with suffering, feeling of loneliness and alienation are gone and now I can finally be creative, be proactive, be proud of myself. And last but not least, I can be myself. Since I started college, I have found friends - although not yet a soulmate - at my school, whom I can give my love to and receive love from. I am getting my wings, sometimes with an incredible speed. Some people say I have no fear and sense of danger and maybe they are right. But sometimes - and I am really not proud of it - I feel myself being the youngest girl in high school class again. This year, just before summer, I met some of my old classmates when we were visiting one of the teachers together. Although with some of them (the loud and popular crew), I still didn't (and couldn't) talk, I felt that a smaller part, who obviously became more mature - just like I did - finally accepted me... Even if I still wouldn't call them friends, this act gave me faith, and maybe one day when I'll return to a class meeting, I can fully be the person I probably am somewhere deep inside and who I want to become... when I really take those wings and start to fly.